It’s interesting – sometimes I feel as though I am more comfortable baring my all to those I do not know. I find comfort in the ability to walk away without the fear of their reaction, not because I do not care, but because I find it will not impact me, regardless of the positivity or negativity. I will bare my darkest secrets with a firm tone, but if you are close to my heart my voice will shake. I feel this should be ironic, but I understand why it is not.
Recently I have wished to be impacted less by those around me. My sensitivities have escalated, my emotions can be on edge. I remember the consequences of being numb, while pain and care are muted, so are joy and excitement, but in this moment I would not mind being dulled, for high sensitivity is a dangerous thing. It can drive the chaos in my mind and the spastic recurring actions. Have you ever felt this way? Sometimes I wish I had the one on my mind beside me to hold me close, restricting the madness, but then I do not know if I would accept the tradeoff of them seeing me that way.
The more we let someone in, the more vulnerable we become, but if that vulnerability is one sided, is it getting to know one another, or a rise of power? I am beginning to understand the benefit of shallow relationships, of apps, of minute conversations and fleeting evenings. While the options are there, my actions will not reflect those decisions, for while the exposure is crippling, my mind is stuck on one wish I do not believe will come to fruition.