“You seem to have the desire to pull away from the lifestyle you are ashamed of. I understand why you may be embarrassed to admit the truths of your dark past, and hopefully after you take that first step – moving in a direction away from those experiences you will feel better.
Do not place your self-worth on a small period of your life. You have lived 25 years without having this habit you are ashamed of, by placing such a weight on this month of your life you are allowing 0.332% of your time on this earth control your self-worth- not 3%, but 0.3%. You slipped into a dark period after having experienced your own sense of trauma. I have had more collective time on this planet contemplating suicide, yet I do not believe I do not have the right to live now. The first steps are always the most difficult, especially when in the presence of temptation. I can cut off a toxic person from my life, or someone who hurt me, block their social media and phone number, remove their belongings from my sight, but that will not provide me the strength I need should I bump into them in a bar, nor will it prevent a positive or negative emotion change.
Allow yourself to see this from a new perspective. If you move to a new city and it takes a month of applying and doing interviews before you get your next job, would you let that define who you are, or your value? Would you allow that singular month change your perspective that you do not deserve to have a career or prohibit your success? You may beat yourself up if it takes longer than you expected, or will struggle as money begins to grow tight and you cannot splurge as frequently or frivolously as you are used to, but overall you would continue applying for jobs. You would believe you are capable of finding the right fit because you are a wonderful person, with work experience, who has the drive to succeed in her career. Take that mentality and apply that persistence to this as well.
You have taken the first step – making the choice to turn your life around and you have begun the process by deciding to move. However, I honestly believe you need to give yourself more credit. Slipping into something during a rough time in your life is easy and more common than you think. I have secrets I would never dare to share with the world due to my embarrassment of such actions. We as people get tempted and fall into temptation, especially when there are other aspects affecting us.
I believe in you – you are a genuine person and you have a desire to not want to continue this habit, stopping it before it controls your life, recognize that strength within yourself. Yes, there will be moments of struggle and you may even fall into old habits, but you have the power within yourself to end this vicious cycle and say no even if you are offered. One minute glimpse in the span of your life can impact you, but it does not define you.
Define yourself through these questions instead: how often do you try to make others smile, how often do you actively take care of yourself, what are your goals in your lifetime, what do you wish to accomplish in the next 5 years, if something were to happen to you what would you want your legacy to be, do you make your friends and loved ones feel appreciated and cared for, are you warm, do you help those who are less fortunate, do you use your blessings to uplift others, how well do you take care of the hearts of those who trust you.”