Five-Eleven

You are one of the most important people in my lifetime. I would give every ounce of me to protect you, though you’d do the same, battling back and forth over who should be protected. However, I cannot imagine, nor do I ever wish to, a life without you. It sends me down the worst of spirals, not sleeping for nights on end. You are my superhero. I frequently travel hours to see you, carving out and setting aside time to be together. Arranging or cancelling plans in order to have as many sequences of moments together.

When we connect, we are great. We joke back and forth, sassing one another. You point out discrete details, or teach me lessons you’ve had to learn. We sit in silence easily, discuss work, give advice, help when needed or educate one another in our strengths, or merely go for drives, accomplishing tasks. There are glimpses I feel as though I am your younger version. Though I know I am half of you, my relativity is a pendulum constantly swinging, from a majority scale, to a balance, to the minority. It is both wonderful, and concerning.

I understand you ache, but sometimes I can feel so confused, after a series of highs and lows. Being met with heart warming messages, which make me elated, hearing you say how excited you are to see me, to sharp mood swings and terse attitudes, which can send me to tears. I understand I can be more sensitive from being overwhelmed, that you have your own weights to carry, which make time feel crunched. My attitude can grow short too, but there are times when your words are so hurtful, I take a deeper look at myself, noting while I can be the same way, I no longer wish to. For the pain you are inflicting on me, I do not wish to cause to others.

I began this weekend excited to be here again. Starting on a high note, comforting the one who needed me most, being greeted with a smile which will forever be ingrained in my mind, recognizing just how adorable and kind-hearted the woman who raised me is. Thinking how I value the time together, growing with excitement to celebrate her. I thought our brief conversation, asking you to reflect on your tone in a joking, yet serious way, would change the course of the weekend, to smoother seas for her sake.

But the tides turned against me. My comment on needing to get work done in order to enjoy the evening, after your unwelcome joke to overwhelm my time, was used against me, even when you knew how deeply I wished I did not have the burden of this additional job. Knowing the strain it is placing on my life. Your comment was meant to clear the path for your ease, but through doing so, you hurt me. Made me question why you seemed excited for me to come down. Asking myself, was it truthful? Provoked streams of tears which I then regretted, as I was taking away from the one who was supposed to be celebrated. But she covered for me, saying I had a call as she understood all which I felt from an instance earlier.

I am not mad at you, for I could easily have been over sensitive in the moment. But having earlier upset the woman who should be praised, then throwing harsh words in my direction to clear me out of your way, I truly wonder why I am here. I recognize it is for her sake, to make her happy and appreciate, but I know a weight is burdening her seeing the tears well in my eyes and the stains on my face. I love you more than I could ever put to words. I will forever have fond memories of you, treasure your care in my heart, but for the sake of us all, I hope these series of sharp moods come to an end, for it would be a shame for us to begin to have these tear-filled memories associated with someone who I know has the kindest heart.

-M.S.

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