Mental Battles

“You hide your anxiety so well – I’m not saying you don’t have it, or I guess in a way I am to a degree. But you radiate such a calm energy to me and present your best self at work”

This was said to me and caused me to reflect on mental health as a whole. The primary word, mental holds a power we may not always attribute weight to. Often when mentally ill is stated we may have a preconceived notion, an image in our minds of someone we shy away from on the subway. Possibly shaking, muttering to themselves. Penetrating where the mental aspect isn’t hidden but translating to physical characteristics. 

We all fight our battles in our own hidden ways. My anxiety attacks are often invisible to the outside world aside from the rare heating of my skin or emotional breakdowns in the depths of night, alone in my room. The every day anxiety bubbling from my core is often urges to get out of situations seeping to the surface through deep breaths or minor fidgeting. Yet inside my mind are hurricanes, earth quakes, a complete rupture of stability where hundreds of thousands of hyperactive thoughts rush through me while my heart races and as I begin to come down I feel as though I’ve entered an alternate reality. As though I’ve tripped through a vortex of time where I’ve experienced volts of energy pulse through me while running a marathon in mere minutes. My anxiety may not be public, regularly viewed from through my presence, yet it is a crippling capacity. The inhibitions, invisible straight jacket it confines to my self while releasing a twister internally is one I am not sure anyone from the outside world would understand or accept due to how I present myself. However, just because my battle is mentally confined in public, the struggle is not diluted. 

-M.S.

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