Open Apology

As I begin to write this apology to you, I realize how many others it could apply to, I guess I am recognizing a trait I knew, as a flaw.

For all those I’ve shut out, I’m sorry. I apologize for the swift close of the door, for the abrupt change which I saw coming, but you did not. I see immediate goodbyes as ripping off a bandaid, cutting connection before more pain can be inflicted. Yet I often do not think thoroughly before the decision, for in moments like these I question, would it have been better to talk it through, should I have vocalized these emotions in the weeks prior, was I misunderstood, did that pain me, was pain building over time and I did not speak up, or had I made my feelings heard yet you were not truly listening. Did the lack of improvement trigger an alarm I could not ignore, would it have been better to be wholly honest, were there differences I could not ignore, did I feel for you or did you distract me from the pain, were you long or short term, were the little things you did which made my heart flutter and pulse race as rare as I made them out to be, was there a storm brewing beneath your surface as well, was I jealous, were you?

My answers to these questions change by the moment. Is that truth evolving over time, a lack of self-knowledge, or a fear of honesty? Is it because I do not know myself, or do I know who I am and do not like what I see?

I did to you what the last person did to me, it left me confused so why did I do it to you?

I’m sorry to all, and for those who did the same to me, I’m stopping this sick cycle and I hope you do too.

-M.S.

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