The last few days it’s been as though my circadian rhythm has been off beat. I thought breathing was a subconscious function, continuing on without the conscious mental control, yet I’ve caught myself dozens of times per day over the last four days feeling as though I’ve forgotten. A moment goes by and suddenly I realize my breath has stopped, it’s caught in my lungs, my heart skips a beat, then pumps heavily, out of my chest, to catch up, I lose my balance and feel light headed. It is as though every internal function is short circuiting.
I wonder if it is my mental state. Can the return of depression conflict with anxiety. Is my body used to running at a different rate, yet now the increased chemical imbalance is creating moments of shock. Does my body process pain differently then I think; is it responding directly, losing a beat in subconscious realizations.
I guess for a girl who grew up with heart problems, often speeding up more quickly than it could slow down, murmurs, it should probably be alarming. But I’ve been listening to “My Anxiety” by Cal Scruby on repeat twenty times too many, relating all too heavily to each word. Listening to
“One minute I think I love everybody
and then I’m like ‘fuck everything’
on a highway to hell, or a stairway to heaven
and I’m stuck in the middle, I can’t make a decision
I don’t think I’m suicidal, but if I was, I won’t admit it
like I’d be okay with dying if I’m not the one who did it”
thinking maybe it’s my body stepping in – maybe I’m not doing the harm intentionally, but my subconscious is controlling the messaging in microcurrents.