I had a conversation with one of my oldest friends who knows the truths of my self better than most, at times better than I do.
After vocalizing her opinions of people of my past, my faults, and recent painful or trying experiences she said something only a confidant of her magnitude would say, see, and I would hear.
“I just know your stubborn ass enough to know I need to let you do you, and sit back until you’re ready for my pep talks…I’ve got years of experience…you need to do you until you’re ready to hear otherwise, and that’s okay”.
I reflected on her statements.
Just hours ago my thoughts took a downward spiral. I was returning to a place I have not frequented in over a year, thoughts so dark if I were to vocalize them now I would question if I really said/thought those things. Yet it is not the first time. I have had similar scenarios over the last 11 years, yet only now am I committed to turning to therapy. Only today will I reach out for professional help to guide me from these episodes.
I’ve remained in toxic, harmful relationships on empty promises over the last decade, only breaking away not after the first, second, or even tenth event which caused harm, but after it was built beyond belief, which I could no longer endure. Exes I’ve allowed to cause harm for failure to allow myself to stop trying to see the good.
I can allow my emotions, stress, mental state to consume me, refusing to remove myself from scenarios, wreaking havoc in the paths of those who love me or staying in situations for far too long before finally taking action, not simply saying so.
I struggle to listen, even if it resonates, it may not permeate to my core. I may agree, but will continue on my path. My stubbornness has gotten me far, yet holds me back.